“I’m ugly.”
“I have weird eyes like Leah. I wish they were normal like yours.”
“My skin is strange.”
“I don’t want you to take my picture because I have a stupid-looking face.”
Nothing breaks my heart quite like hearing Adam lament the fact that he looks different: from us, from his classmates, from the majority of depictions of children in the media, and worse, that what sets him apart is seen as undesirable. I hate that he thinks Todd, Lizzie and I look normal while he and Leah don’t.
To the best of our abilities, Todd and I have made decisions to hopefully minimize the feelings of otherness: we moved to an ethnically diverse neighbourhood (close to another transracial adoptive family!) and Adam’s best friends at school are from a variety of cultures, he attended Korean School and a children’s program at a Korean church (both to help him learn the language and to give him role models), we try to find books in which the protagonists (not just the sidekicks) are not Caucasian and books that champion differences. Of course, it’s still not enough because my almost six-and-a-half-year-old son thinks that his being Korean is a hardship, something he would change if he could.
As Adam would say when words fail, Big Sigh. We had a good chat today about his feelings. While there didn’t seem to be anything in particular that set off this way of thinking (I had wondered if one of his classmates had said something) that doesn’t change the fact that he has already internalized that the things that make him different also make him feel inferior.
What’s a parent to do? Right now, I’m focussing on helping Adam recognize all the ways in which he is wonderfully unique: his dry sense of humour, his incredible empathy, his quick-wittedness, his ability to speed-read and still retain all that he’s read.
Truly, Adam is an amazing little boy and while navigating racial identity issues is a huge challenge, I’m fortunate to be doing so with him.
As an aside, if anybody’s interested in transracial adoption resources, let me know and I’ll do a post pointing to some of my favourites.
Hugs to you and him…I wish I knew how to help my little buddy xo
Though Adam’s feelings are indeed heartbreaking to read about, I’m so glad you posted this. Ercell and I are interested in transracial adoption resources and I have a ton of questions about adoption in general but wouldn’t know where to start.
Differences of any kind seem to be internalized as negativities with children; with hope he’ll learn to see things more positively in the coming years.
Oh Adam. You are truly a beautiful boy! I have no advice since we havne’t experience any talk from Alex yet so I would love to see what resources you have to share. I’m sure our turn is coming one day. Our neighbourhood is racially diverse too and I know of at least 5 families in our two streets with children who are adopted which will hopefully be beneficial.
I’m so sorry he has these negative thoughts about himself. You and Todd are doing a great job as parents. All of you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
1. I would be very interested in a post about transracial adoption.
2. For Adam: Adam, dude, you are awesome. Your picture is in Everyday Happy Herbivore and I didn’t even know when I bought the book. When I saw you, I started dancing, “Adam’s in here!”. With your mom’s help, you know how to cook. I wish I had known how to cook at your age! From what I hear, you’re incredibly smart. You’re an awesome reader, you help your mom out and it sounds like you have a really good score on Angry Birds. I don’t even know how to play Angry Birds!
To me, Adam, you are a total super star. You can cook, you play video games, you read and on top of all that, you’re a pretty good brother to your sister, Leah. So don’t let looking different get you down. We all look different from everyone else. How you look is just one little thing, compared to all the other more awesome things you can do.
You are A+ to me, Adam.
Wow… how difficult!! I think Adam ROCKS personally!!! And I’ve never even met him. Can you imagine what I would think if I did! You’re already doing a bunch of the things I would have suggested, but have you heard of the book “Kimchi & Calamari” by Rose Kent? It may be a little above his reading level… but the story is perfect for what he is going through. Maybe a good book to read as a family? We are NOT in a racially diverse area, and actually have had to deal with some of this already (!!!), but luckily haven’t had the situation where it’s viewed as a hardship. I’m sure that’s coming though. One friend went through a similar thing with her child recently and she sat down with him and highlighted all the things that were the same… we both have pink tongues, we both have dark hair, we both like blue, etc. (I’m just throwing things out there for you)
And as for the photos… *gasp* Adam is always a kid I think looks AMAZING in pictures and SO HANDSOME! I wonder if looking at some photos of Korean Stars would alleviate that? Or playing around where he gets to try a bunch of facial expressions/poses out? Spencer LOVES pictures of himself laughing… but has already noticed his eyes “scrunch up” sometimes.
(Again, throwing things out there… selfishly because I would hate to see less photos of him!)
And lastly… and most importantly, you always inspire me when I read your blog. There is nobody more perfect than you and your husband to help him navigate this!
You’ve already had some great responses. I truly think your Adam is one amazing child! I can’t believe how sensitive and smart he is! And of course, he is absolutely beautiful. At what age did Adam start mentioning these things? Our Adam has only just started mentioning to us comments like, “that boy looks like me” when we’ve seen other Asian children. He’s never said anything negative, but I want to be prepared just in case. So far, he is very proud that he and his cousin, Daniel, are from Korea and talks about that a lot so he recognizes that there is a difference. Please share any more resources that you have! We definitely don’t live in an ethnically diverse neighbourhood, though we have a boarding school very close by that brings a lot of Korean teenagers.
[...] Adam was rather apprehensive about having his face plastered on the cards but they were a hit with his friends who loved the [...]
I’ve been away but saved your post in my blog reader so I could answer from a keyboard instead of my phone.
Both Adam and Leah are beautiful. I hope they come to the point where they can realize that everyone is different in some way, and that different can be a good thing. I’m Asian; my kids are mixed, but they identify as Asian and see that as something to be proud of. It’s all a journey.
You’re doing a great job raising your kids. I love reading your posts.
Oh my goodness. I know I’m coming to this post a lot later in the game (I missed putting your new blog address in my Reader until now). It sounds like you are doing all that you can to help Adam navigate these feelings. Still, they must be tough to hear. Adam is a beautiful boy, inside and out. To me, he seems like an old soul…beyond his years in his self-awareness and cognition. Thanks for sharing your experience, since I’m sure we will deal with these issues eventually. Your Adam is such a wonderful role model for our little Korean boys. I’m sure Daniel would adore him. Hopefully someday we can meet up!